Keep in mind that this is not an excuse, it's an explanation.
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The day I met Sawyer Neptune was very cloudy. It was the kind of day that made me want to watch Gilmore girls with my mom; somehow become a blanket and wrap around her, drink hot cocoa, and just be. Where a romantic would call this cuddle weather with their lover, I would prefer to call it mommy weather. I remember missing my mom more than ever at school; looking out the window of my boring geometry class, at the dark and bloated clouds. I had a feeling they'd burst soon. I didn't have a jacket or an umbrella, and I knew I was going to get soaked on my way across campus.
I heard the rain before I felt it. I knew it would come, but I longed for it to stay away. The stairs were so crowded I could feel my backpack press against a body behind me. I held on to the railing for support, and an electrifying wave of coldness hit me, causing the goose bumps to erupt from my skin. An involuntary shiver shook my shoulders, and I bumped into the person next to me. So many bodies, but no body heat.
I needed space, and I needed it fast. The panic bubbled in my stomach, rising to my chest, stopping at my throat. I was going to scream,    throw up, and cry all at once, but I couldn't even manage to breathe. I scrambled past the girl in front of me, trying to find somewhere to sit, anywhere.
I shakily rushed and found the nearest seat. It was a wet and rusty bench near a bush. Surprisingly it actually satisfied even comforted my bones. I was breathing again. My body shook, but it didn't feel panicked. It was the cold that possessed me now.
I closed my eyes, elbows on thighs, head in hands. Breathe.  Unlike the rain, I felt Sawyer's presence before hearing his voice. As I focused my breathing I looked up, expecting a teacher but instead meeting the gaze of a worried boy.
"You don't look very good, you okay?" The boy asked, concern etching his hooded eyes.
Instead of responding, I stared. I was staring for so long, that the boy was probably wondering if I was deaf. But he didn't look quite phased, instead he grabbed my hand and walked me to the nurses office. It was blur of movement, and a wave of dizziness, but it was a relief that he was there.
He sat in the clinic with me for the rest of the day, granted there was only one period left, but I appreciated it. We even talked; he told me his name, Sawyer Neptune. I made some dumb joke about space and he laughed. He didn't have to laugh, it was so unfunny, but he did and that made all the difference in my mood.
That day he asked if I wanted a ride, but I was already walking to my car far enough away I had to yell back, "no thank you kind stranger!"
The next day was just as gloomy, and I forgot a jacket again. On my way to Spanish I took the back stairs and found Sawyer waiting for me.
"You know I was thinking since I saved your life, I might as well buy you a smoothie or food," He played with the strip of his backpack running his pointer finger in a rhythmic motion; up and down, down and up. I imagined him playing guitar maybe even the piano, long fingers caressing each key, strumming each string.
"Shouldn't I be the one repaying you?"
"Exactly. You'd be doing me a great service, going out with me." I smiled at him, and looked away.
"Well I do like smoothies..." I looked up at him again, testing to see how serious he really was.
His mouth quirked, "Alright then, meet after the bell?"
I nodded and slipped in my Spanish class, forgetting about my soaked socks, and damp hair.

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Sawyer and I became best friends. I don't know exactly when it happen, or even how it happen, but we just..were. I didn't think much of it then, but now all I can think is how terrifying it is, that four months could feel so much like years.
During these months, Sawyer had been having a rough time at home. His parents were divorcing, and well, his grades weren't in the very best shape for graduation. I was his only real friend and to me it felt unfair. Like the world was turning on him.
I don't think he was ever really sad, but I knew he wasn't okay. Some days I'd comfort him and he'd let me, some days he wouldn't. We'd spend nights up, talking on the phone. He would draw me pictures, and God they were good. He was so talented. Every detail of his art was intoxicating to look at.
Sometimes he'd even play the piano for me. I'd listen, and drown in his music. One time he played the softest saddest song, and all I could do was cry. I told him not to stop but he did.
Other days I'd just listen to him, his thoughts and his dreams. He would theorize, and conclude, and analyze the world. I remember thinking, if a seventeen year old could destroy the world, if one single teenager could be the end of us all, it would be him.
It was Sawyer and Payton against the world, together I really thought we could've done anything, but fate had another plan in store.
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The story of Sawyer and Payton came to an end when winter did. When the spring sun rolled in, the closing act did too.
Sawyer asked me to the school dance on February third. I said yes.
The day of the dance he picked me up at my house. He rung the doorbell and my mom jumped to open the door. There he was, his whole tall beautiful self. He smiled and talked to my mom, while I searched the whole house for my purse.
When we were walking out of the house he whispered in my ear, "You look beautiful."
I blushed, at Sawyer. Me blushing at Sawyer, how weird was that? So I ignored it and got in his blue Chevy Malibu. It smelled like him and I liked that. I wished the whole world smelled like Sawyer.
"Listen. Payton. I know, that we... we're supposed to go to the dance, but can we... can we ditch it?" He was being awkward, and sounded jittery, when he said this.
"I mean yeah if that's what you want." I looked over at him, and he looked over at me. I felt the blush come up again and I turned my head. He laughed.
"Where to then, miss?" He sounded normal again.
"The stars" I said, imitating The Titanic. He laughed again.
We drove for a while talking and laughing. When an hour of just driving passed he took me for smoothies, it was our ritual.
After that, he kept driving. We drove until we found a camp site, all creepy and dark, but it didn't feel creepy and dark.
"Where are we?" I asked him opening the door of the car. Leaving before he could answer.
"I used to come here with my dad all the time." His voice sounded behind me, locking the car while he said it. He came up next to me, blanket in hand.
We walked for a while, quiet but comfortable. After some time, he set the blanket down next to a tree, near a small pond. He pulled out a flask and took a swig. I took one too.
"You really do look beautiful Pay." I looked up at him and I wasn't sure what to say, so I rolled my eyes, and lied down on the blanket.
"No. Seriously Payton." I rolled over and looked up at him again.
"You look really nice too, you know that." It sounded like I was arguing with him, but I wasn't. I was serious too.
The next few seconds were a little strange. In the most graceful swoop of movements he hovered over me and grabbed my face. He kissed me, tentatively and soft. So lightly, I wasn't even sure it happened.
We stayed and looked at the sky, lying on the ground. It was just us, our rapid heartbeats and messy hair. Us two, all arms, and legs, and heartbeats. He was my pillow and I was his blanket. We stayed there just like that, for what felt like forever.
When we finally had to go, he asked me to drive. So I did. I drove and he told me where to go. We found our way back to my street. So close to my house. Two stop signs away.
I was careless, and I had drank. I knew I had. I thought it wasn't much, but it was enough. There we were, one stop sign away, and I just kept driving. I drove past the white line on the narrow road, past the red sign connecting two streets, past a second thought to tell me to stop. I didn't stop until there was a car and a broken windshield to protest, to make me push on the breaks.
I didn't scream, but Sawyer did. His mouth opened, saying my name. Screaming my name. There was blood. And there we were again on the ground, all arms and legs. Except now it was only my heart that beat.
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