Jolting upright, I sighed and looked around, reminding myself it was only a nightmare and was in the security of my room. Sliding off my bed, I went into my closet and grabbed the decorative box from the top shelf. After flicking on the light and sitting on the ground next to the box, I opened the lid. Neatly placed on the top was a picture collage of Jess and I. Under that, was all of the paper airplanes I collected through the years. I remember when he gave each of them to me, as we grew up we adopted the paper airplane as a symbol of our friendship.
***
A light breeze swept over our skin as the aroma of freshly cut grass captivated the crisp
summer air as the sound of chirping birds rang in our ears. We ran inside and up the stairs, pushing each other trying to be the first one to the top. Tumbling into my room, he flopped in the ground while I grabbed the paper.
He smiled and pulled a light blue piece from the pile, quickly getting to work with folding. I began creasing a orange piece making sure each line was symmetrical.
Waiting patiently, as he always did, Jess to blirted “Cat, I think paper airplanes should be our thing, like a sign that we are always going to be friends. Ya know?”
“Yeah! We need our own thing!”
As he smiled you could see where his teeth had not yet grown in. Being only six, neither of us could comprehend that forever wasn’t nearly as long as we thought.
***
Middle school was the start of writing notes in our airplanes, and also the start of insecurity.
It has been so long I don't remember why the words said to me were so hurtful, or why I couldn't seem to move away from the idea that I was ugly. Jess always seemed to make the hurtful words disapear. Jess lived a couple blocks down and most nights his parents weren’t home, leaving him to come and go as he pleases. One night, I woke up around midnight to pebbles tapping at my window, making little knocks. Opening the window I saw his train track smile and motioned me to catch the airplane he was throwing up. Between focusing on where the plane was going to land and actually catching it, Jess was already jogging back home. Opening the airplane, I walked back to my bed and read what it said.
“ Hey, all of our airplanes should have notes. Oh and don't worry about what they think, you're better than all of them. Forever and ever right? Sleep well.”
To this day I still don’t understand how he could make me feel much better instantly. Now all I have are these airplanes to make me feel like I did while I was with him.
***
My mom curled and pinned up my long dark hair as I did my make-up. Today was our
senior Prom, and my date was Jess. Everyone thought we were dating, which left us to be each other's dates. Things were better that way, no one in our small school of 500 students were worth giving the time of night to anyway.
I looked at the string of five paper planes, each one had a brightly colored letter on it. Together, they spelt PROM followed by a question mark. Jess pinned them above my locker and stood there with white roses in his hands. His cheeky smile warmed my heart as I walked down the hallway. How could anyone say no?
I heard a knock on the door and Jess talking to my dad telling him all the festivities we would be going to and the time I would be home. My dad didn’t worry about me going with Jess, he just wanted me to be safe. With Jess, I was safe, no one could ever hurt me while I was with him.
***
I picked up the last paper air plane I received from him, sitting there just looking at it for
along time. Our Junior year of college is when I received this one. It was spring break, Jess talked me into talking a road trip with him. I made him promise we wouldn’t go very far because I hate sitting for
hours and hours. We drove a few towns over to a small, but hopeful water park. The days we spent there are some of my fondest memories. He dragged me along to all the rides that looked thrilling and at the end of the third day, when someone stole my flip flops, he carried me back to the car.
When we got back to the campus, he handed me a paper plane and inside where pictures we took throughout different points in our lives. All together there were six. The first one was the two of us sitting in a mud puddle we made on a hot summer day. Our wide smiles and matted hair stood out against the bright green grass and white puffy clouds. The next was us sitting in a tree together, just before he fell out and broke his arm. Then there was us sitting in the back of my dad's pick up, looking exited to go on what we called "The bumpy road," but holding on to the railing like we were scared out of our minds. Next was our Prom picture, our colors were baby blue which made our dark hair and light eyes stand out against the light color and pale complexions. Then, us at graduation, holding our diplomas high in the air, so happy to finally be free from the chains of high school. Finally, the last one was Christmas break. We stood together with bright smiles, proudly showing off our santa hats and the sweaters my parents bought us.
The next afternoon, I got a call to go to the counselors office. My mom was sitting in a chair with her back towards the door. Mr. Miller gave a small motion for me to sit down along with a small smile.
"Cathleen, there has been an accident " my mom said in a shaky voice, not looking at me. I felt my heart fall into my stomach as she proceed.
"I'm afraid Jessie has died in a car crash accident. A log off of a logger truck came loose and fell on Jessie's car, killing him instantly." She looked at me while tears were flowing from her eyes, “I'm so sorry.”
The counselor started talking, but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of my heart beat and loud sobs. I got up, disregarding my mom trying to comfort me and Mr. Miller calling my name as I opened to door and ran to my dorm.
I cried for along time, not just that day, but over the span of the next year. I haven’t figured out how to cope with losing my best friend and my first love, but I've learned how to move day by day.
***
I stood up, putting the box back into my closet. Laying down I grabbed my laptop and put
on some music to help me sleep. I tossed and turned for awhile, but eventually I went back to sleep and didn’t wake up until the sun shinned through my curtains. Sitting up and drinking the water that was on my nightstand, I walked over into my office and was astonished by the amount of colorful paper that was thrown onto the ground. Looking up to my desk, I grabbed the door frame and sliding down to the ground I started to cry, as there sat, one baby blue paper air plane.