"So this is our third session together, how have you been feeling?" my counselor Maria asked.

"Umm honestly, I feel a little better being that I'm finally opening up about my feelings instead of holding things in.” I lied.

''That's' good, how are you're treatments been going for you?" She smiled.

"They've been okay I guess I still feel a loss of energy in everything I do, and the insecurity about losing my hair still gets to me. I use to be satisfied with myself before this like I wouldn't call myself confident but I was fine with how I looked, you know?"I said looking down at my hand.

"Well I've told you multiple times and I will gladly tell you again, you are absolutely beautiful whether you have a full head of hair or not. I believe that things such a eyes, body parts, or even hair," she said passionately.

"I know, I know but it's just how I feel. Like I'm the one who has to look in the mirror every day and not even know who I'm looking at." I cried.

The loud chirping of the birds distracts me and I stop crying, the tears left a stain on my cheeks which I try to wipe away.

"Okay, I want you to write about five words that describe you whether it's your looks or even your personality and when you're done I'll tell you what to do next," she said while ripping out a piece of paper and passing me a pen to write with.

I could see the frustration on her face as if she was thinking really hard about what to write. She started to write her words but as she was writing she began deep sighing and throwing her shoulder around as if something heavy was on them.

"Here are my words," I said handing her my paper.

"These are a lot of negative words, Jessica. How come?” Maria questioned

"Well I mean that's just how I'm feeling right now, my situation is taking a negative toll on me honestly," I muttered.

"Well now for the second half of this portion, how about we change those negative words into positive ones?" she asked handing me my paperback.

I was honestly getting tired of this negative turn it to positive crap I just wanted these stupid sessions to end because they weren't working and I always come back feeling the same it was so frustrating and time-consuming. I decided to end this session early and go spend the rest of my day with my family.

"How was therapy today?" my dad asked as he began to pull out the parking lot.

"It was fine, we're still talking about turning negative thoughts and words into positive ones,"I said buckling my seatbelt.

"That's good, it's better to have positive and uplifting thought going through your head instead of the negative ones that will have you down in a gutter and I really don't want that for you." my mom expressed concerningly.

"Yeah you're right," I agreed to put my earphones in and shuffling through my music.

I began blasting my favorite song 'While We're Young' by Jhene Aiko the softness of her voice, the slow mellow beats played in the background  to try clear  my mind but the thoughts kept running through my head and the feeling kept overpowering my body I felt a tear falling down my cheek but I quickly brushed it away before anyone could see. I began looking through the car window and I saw how run down the buildings in the city where getting to be and how dirty the streets were looking. The doctors and nurses have been telling me that I need to release my stress and try to work through my depression stage because it might kill me, but how can you stop feeling what you're feeling? I already feel it killing, killing me physically, mentally and even emotionally I feel my body slowly shutting down sometimes I fall asleep wondering, is tonight the night? And I just hate living like this! Maybe things would be better if I was gone I'm not the suicidal type and I never will be, but if this cancer kills me maybe it wouldn't be so bad…

It's December 15 and today makes 8 months of me having leukemia. The doctors decided to stop my chemo treatments because my body wasn't responding well to the treatments as to why I was getting sicker but stopping my chemo treatments will make my cancer spread even more and that will make me sicker, so either way, I'm losing. But I did ask for this, didn't I?