Children are so innocent. Adults are oblivious. Teenagers either grab the word by its balls or die trying. But one thing always stays the same no matter how old anyone gets, and that thing is personality. No matter how haggard you get you’re still the same person. Which is impressive. But a curse. Crotchety children become crotchety adults. Timid adults were once scared children. I guess that’s just how you grow as a person.

I never for a minute thought I`d grow up to be myself. I was a happy baby and an explorative child. My pre-teen years almost killed me. As a teenager, I just have a different view on life. But through all of that, I’ve always been the “smart kid”.  Of course, that’s a lie, I can`t even spell the name of my school`s mascot without spell check. But that`s something the word glosses over because “that`s not what smart kids do”. 
When you think of us, the smart kids, you assume we read and study and don`t go out to live our lives. Quite honestly I don`t remember the last actual book I’ve read. I don`t remember who it was, what it was, when it was. All I read is gay fanfiction at 2 am hoping this time it won`t all be smut and that the plot will actually be good. I`ve never studied a day of my life and quite honestly don`t think I ever will. The thing is, I do live. In fact, sometimes I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives. Is it true? No.

I`m only 17.

The amount of times I`ve had to say that is unbelievable and strangely enough, no one ever believes me.  Maybe it`s because, if you catch me on a good day when I have all my makeup on, I can pass as a twenty-something. Or maybe it`s because my mind takes in the world like a philosopher and an artist. But it could also be the fact that I talk like I’m intelligent and like I`ve been living for years. All I know is it`s a curse and a blessing.  I`m blessed because people take me seriously and allow me to take charge. I also get away with a lot more. But I’m cursed to be expected to grow up. Even though I look old and I sound old, I`m not. And I want to live before I have to give up my childhood. But apparently “25-year-old women” aren`t allowed to go down the little kid water slides and have access to the kids' area.

It really is a funny concept, a 17-year-old in what appears to be a twenty-year-olds body. Although not true, it`s just how I`m seen. I`m not old. I`m not smart. In fact, my magnificent brain is breaking down more and more as the days go on. But through it all, I’m still me. I’m a smart kid, the schools designated lesbian, a therapist, a friend, a stoner hippie future gas station attendant drop out, and a drama kid that reaches for the stars.

But there`s been shifts in who I am. You see, when I came to high school I was under the impression that I would find where I excel and succeed, that I would finally find my place and be happy. All too soon I came to realize that no matter how hard you try there will always be someone better then you and high school exists just to prove that point. But smart kids aren`t supposed to feel that way. Smart kids have the world in the palm of their hands. Smart kids don’t have to worry about tomorrow because it`s already made for them. So what do you do when you’re a smart kid and for the life of you, you can`t see what lies ahead? What do you do when being a smart kid turns against you?

Nothing or everything. And that’s where personality comes to save you or hold you under while you drown. Are you strong enough to make it through? You don`t know because of your personality. It`s funny, nothing can save you when your personality betrays you. There is no waking up tomorrow and hoping it will be ok. There is no try, try again. There`s just an emptiness that can be death or a fate much worse. For smart kids, that`s a terror almost unimaginable. For smart kids, falling on your face and being unable to defend yourself is defeat and you will be stepped over. It almost makes you wish;

God Damn. I want to be normal.