Dear Cosette,
I know you said that you never wanted me to use your full name. I know it embarrassed you to be named after an old book/musical character your mom liked. I know that you insisted to be called Coco. You said it was more modern. Less embarrassing. More of a name for a girl like you. Feisty and strong and never afraid to stand up for what she thought was right.
But they won’t engrave Coco on your tombstone.
They’ll write “Cosette Sawyer. 2001-2017. The most painful goodbyes are those that are never said and never explained.” Why? Because you left no signs. No hints that it would happen. You just…did it. That day at school was the same as any other. You teased me, like you always do. Called me weird nicknames. Goofed off in class. Walked around singing Broadway showtunes. It was like a normal day.
But all that changed when you got home, I guess.
I’ll never forget the phone call I received from your mother that night. You know, the one telling me that you’d attempted suicide and that you wouldn’t make it through the night? Yeah, that’s the one. The phone call that broke my heart.
“Eliza? Eliza, is that you?” Mrs. Sawyer asked, her voice loud and scratchy through the phone. Eliza winced. Why did Mrs. Sawyer always have to yell into the phone?
“Yes, Mrs. Sawyer. Do you need Mama? She’s right here,” Eliza said, smiling even though Mrs. Sawyer couldn’t see her.
“Put me on speaker phone. I’ve got bad news.” Mrs. Sawyer hesitated as Eliza clicked the speaker button and set the phone on the coffee table. Bad news? What kind of bad news? Were they moving? Eliza had a million questions. Her mind was racing. “It’s about Coco,” Mrs. Sawyer said.
Eliza fell silent and all her previous thoughts were replaced with one: Was Coco 0kay? “What happened?” Mrs. Gray asked, leaning forward.
“She attempted suicide. I got home from work and she was crying on the floor, painkillers surrounding her. She asked if I’d take her to the hospital. I did, but the doctors can’t do anything for her. They pumped her stomach, but it was too late. They’re just waiting for her to die. They say she won’t last the night. But Coco wants you, Eliza. She wants to say goodbye to you. Please hurry. I don’t know how long she’ll last.” There was a heart shattering click and Mrs. Sawyer was gone.
“Get your shoes on. We’re going to the hospital.”
We prayed so much, Coco. I’d never prayed so much in my life. I probably never will. And I cried so much. The tears just wouldn’t stop. They couldn’t stop. I ran out of tears.
You know what else I won’t forget? The fact that I was there with you when you died. You seemed so in pain in the minutes before you died. You didn’t want to show it, but I knew that you had to be in a lot of pain to shudder and cough like that. And I could hear it in your voice. I can always tell when you’re hurt, Coco. I know you too well.
Weird, how you were in so much pain even though you took painkillers as your suicide. I guess that’s life. The things that are supposed to numb your pain just make it all worse.
I can’t believe you died in my arms. I tried so hard to wake you up. But you just wouldn’t answer.
Eliza ran down the halls of the hospital. So many nurses told her to stop, to slow down, that she’d disturb other patients, but she wouldn’t listen. Didn’t they understand? Her best friend was in Room 235, coming closer to death every time she breathed. Coco could die before she even got there. And Eliza would never be able to say her goodbyes.
She finally arrived at the hospital room. 235, just like the receptionist had said. “Coco.” That was the only word Eliza could say to the nurse standing outside her best friend’s hospital room.
“We don’t have a Coco in this room,” the nurse said. “There’s no Coco anywhere in this hospital.”
“Cosette Sawyer. This is her room. I know it is. And I’m her best friend, Eliza Gray. Surely she wants to see me before she…” Eliza couldn’t finish the sentence. If she said it, the reality would just loom over her. And that couldn’t happen. It couldn’t spoil the only time she had remaining with the girl who had been in her life almost since it started.
The nurse nodded and pushed the door open, not saying a word. She knew not to interfere with the determination of someone who is about to lose the person they love most.
Cosette turned her head to look at Eliza. Her face instantly lit up with recognition. She looked like she was in less pain. “Eliza. You came.”
“Of course I came, Coco. You think I’d let you get hurt like this and not come? I’d be such a terrible friend if I let that happen!” Eliza laughed. She wanted to hug her best friend so badly. But she couldn’t. It could cut out her air supply. Then she’d die even faster.
Coco didn’t laugh. Eliza knew she wouldn’t. Not at a time like this. “I’m going to die, Eliza. They’ve already told me. Well, they told Mama. But I overheard. There’s no way I’ll make it. But I’ve got a final request.” She gasped for air, launching herself into a coughing fit.
“Coco!” Eliza yelped. She put her hand under Coco’s head and helped her sit back up. “Anything, Cosette. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”
“Stay here until I die. And tell Mama that I regret everything. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. I was just feeling so miserable. I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did it. I’ve been depressed for so long. I just took a chance. I thought I didn’t deserve to live. But I do, Eliza. And it’s all fixable. All of it. Oh, Eliza, why’d I do this?” She shuddered.
“Shh, it’s going to be okay, Coco. I promise. You’re going to a place where you’ll never be hurting again. People won’t hurt you. And sure, we’ll all miss you here. That’s unquestionable. I don’t know how I’ll live without you, but I’ll make it. I promise.”
Cosette managed a feeble smile. “I know you will. Live the life I never got to live. Tell everyone how much I loved them. And remember that I’m always with you, Eliza.” Coco’s eyes went wide. “Look at the sky. Isn’t it so beautiful? Maybe God will let me paint the sky tomorrow night.”
“He will, Coco. I know He will.”
Cosette gasped and coughed again. “It hurts, Eliza. So badly. I didn’t think dying would hurt this much!” She yelped. “Everything’s going dark. Please…please help me!”
Eliza whimpered. Her best friend was dying. Her life was fading by the second. And there was nothing she could do to help. “I love you so much, Coco. I can’t replace you. Ever. Remember that.”
“Eliza,” Cosette breathed. The room went silent right as she spoke, allowing the word to dance through the air. It was so graceful.
And right after she spoke, the light faded from Cosette’s eyes as the sun finally sank below the horizon.
She was gone.
“Cosette? Cosette!” Eliza shook her friend’s body. “Coco! Cosette Evangeline Sawyer, come back to me! You have to wake up. You have to!”
She knew it was foolish. She knew that Coco wasn’t coming back. But it wasn’t for lack of trying.
And with that, Eliza sank down into her chair and cried. She only left Coco’s hospital room when a nurse dragged her crying, broken self away.
I’ll never understand why you did it, Coco. But on that day, I decided what true pain felt like. Before, I thought it was just a superficial feeling. But no, it’s so much more than just a skinned knee, a broken leg, or any kind of physical injury. It’s knowing that your best friend died with you right next to her and that you were powerless to save her. It’s your name being the last thing someone ever says. It’s knowing that you won’t see your best friend again until you die. It’s wishing that you could just hug someone one last time. That’s true pain. And most people may not know how it feels until they’re older.
What I wouldn’t give to spend one more day with you. Just one day running around my house. One day singing Dear Evan Hansen out in the city. We got so many weird looks while we sang “Good for You,” but that didn’t matter. It was your favorite. I never knew I’d feel so much like a member of the Murphy family. I never thought I’d lose someone so dear to me. But unlike them, I’ll sing a requiem for you. The most heartbreaking requiem that’s ever been sung.
You always complained that you hated your name. But you know what? I think deep inside, you really loved it. You loved Les Mis. And I loved watching you listen to it. Your thoughts covered such a wide range as you listened. I can’t tell you how many times I watched you throw your phone because Spotify played too many depressing songs in a row. Weird how you always preferred Èponine to Cosette, even though your name was Cosette. You said you felt like her. I never knew that you meant you wanted to die.
We were going to do so many things together. We were going to perform together. Well, sort of. I was always more of a tech, huh, Coco? You were going to be onstage, singing all Christine’s high notes, and I’d be that girl shining the spotlight down on you. And you always said that you would smile up at me right as “Think of Me” ended. Now I won’t ever see your smile again, let alone on a stage.
But now our dreams are gone. Maybe I’ll go on that stage. I’ll make you proud. You always wanted me to become an actress. You said I was amazing. After all, that’s what best friends do. They make sure each other’s dreams come true.
Remember the day we met? You were mad at some boy for saying that you couldn’t play with him and his friends. He told you to go pretend to be a princess like all the other girls. But you didn’t want to. You wanted to play sports.
He told you to leave. And you found me. A lonely girl with no friends.
“Why won’t you just let me play?” Coco asked, tilting her head so her blonde hair fell alongside her head. Her blue eyes were sparkling. Eliza had noticed that they always did.
“You’re a girl,” the boy said. “Girls don’t play sports with us. Go pretend to be a princess like all those other girls.”
Eliza sighed as she watched the scene unfold. It wasn’t fair for that stupid boy to tell the other girl not to be able to play. Even at the tender age of four, she knew that was wrong. But what could a lonely girl with no friends do? She could try and stand up for the girl but the boys would just make fun of her. And what good would that do?
She almost didn’t notice the blonde girl huff and stomp away. Almost. She wouldn’t have paid any attention of the girl didn’t head right toward her.
“The name’s Cosette. But I like going by Coco better. Sounds less weird. Mom loves musicals. That’s how I got my name. But enough about me! What’s your name?” the girl said, offering her hand. Eliza tilted her head, confused. “It’s my hand. Shake it! I wanna be friends.”
Eliza smiled. A real friend. She’d never had a true friend before. “My name’s Elizabeth. Call me Eliza though. It’s nice to meet you.”
“So, why aren’t you playing with anyone? The other girls seem nice enough,” Coco said.
“I don’t want to. I like sitting here and daydreaming about what life would be like if someone cared about me. I mean, I’ve got Mom and Dad. But other than that, I’m completely alone. I don’t have any friends. I’m new here.” Eliza said. For being a little girl, she had surprisingly dark thoughts.
“Well, I’m gonna be your best friend!” Coco said. “If you’re okay with that.”
“That sounds perfect.”
The girls sat there talking until the end of recess and from then on, they were best friends.
We have so many memories together, Coco. And I can’t believe that there won’t be any more. We were supposed to grow old together and name our children after each other. We were going to annoy everyone in the nursing home.
I’ll never understand why you did what you did. You always seemed so happy. And every time I went to your house, everything seemed so perfect. Like a fairytale family. But of course, there are things that even I don’t know about you, Cosette. And now I’ll never know them.
I’m afraid to go back to school at the end of this week. It’s hard to believe that it was only last week that you died. I’m just glad that Mama let me take this long off school. I don’t know that I could’ve managed going to all those classes without you. Everyone will apologize for my loss. But I don’t want their sympathy. They don’t know the true Eliza. They’ve only seen glimpses of the true me. Only you know who I really am.
And I think the real me died alongside you. 
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to listen to a musical again. Not with your memory haunting me. I can’t bring myself to do it without you. Not when you’re named after Cosette Fauchelevent herself. Not after all the times we accidentally sang that one line of “Sincerely, Me” too loud as we walked down the street. You know the one.
And especially not after the time we went to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway together. I had to hold you down to keep you from singing along with Erik in “The Mirror.”
I can’t handle any of those anymore.
Coco, did you know that your funeral was today? That’s what sparked this. It was something your mom said. “Tie up all your loose ends before you never get the chance to.” And you were the first thing that came to mind. You’re my loose end, Cosette. I have to come to terms with this. I was planning to just talk to you, but Mama said to write all my feelings down. Said it’d make things easier.
Truth is, I think it’s making things worse.
I can’t bring myself to talk about your funeral. All I can say is that it was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I will ever go to. I hope I never have to attend another funeral, however. It’ll just remind me of the pain that I felt when I lost you. My best and only friend.
They started it off with “O Come All Ye Faithful.” That was your favorite, wasn’t it? I know it was.
Your mother had me speak. I told them most of the things written in this letter. About the dreams you’ll never achieve. The love you felt for your family. The fact that you started regretting everything you’d done.
I couldn’t finish my speech, Coco. I was crying too hard. Embarrassing, huh? Your great aunt seemed to think so. I guess that’s why your mother didn’t have her speak for you.
I don’t know that I’ll understand why you committed suicide. I’ll probably never know. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade the short time I had with you for the world. I needed you in my life. You kept me alive. 
Some people might die to be with their best friend. But I know that’s not what you would want your Eliza to do. You’d want me to keep on living. Make my dreams come true. Find love. Get married. Have kids. Maybe I’ll name one of them Cosette. That’s what you’d want, isn’t it?
I remember that you were always talking about finding love. And now you’ll never find it. Maybe heaven will send you an angel to marry and you can care for an aborted baby. You never approved of abortion. Maybe you can be the mother of some of those unwanted babies up in heaven. You can name them Zoe, Evynne, Raoul, and Fiyero, like you always wanted to. You always wanted to give your children musical names like we had. No matter how much you claimed to hate your name.
I can’t believe that we’ll never go to school together again. Never race down the hallways on the way to the door. Never annoy every teacher. Ride home together. Sit in the parking lot talking forever. No one will ever know us as Eliza and Cosette, the musical nerds. I’ll just be Eliza, the loser who only talks to teachers. Maybe I’ll find other friends. But none of them will be like you, Coco. They won’t be my best friend.
I’ve got to sleep now, Coco. Mama’s making me go back to school tomorrow. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the day. But you’d want me to be strong. So, I’ll make it through. For you, Coco.
I’ll never forget you, Cosette Evangeline Sawyer. You’re my best friend.
Forever and ever.
Never forget me.
Heaven gained an angel last week. And she’s going to be the best angel ever.
I can’t wait to see you again.
          With love,
           Eliza Gray