Being a new teenager is hard already. I am still figuring out middle school friends, and trying to make it through school. I was struggling with school. It's even tougher when an older guy is telling me that I am so beautiful, and kind and that there isn't any other girl like me. He made me think he loves me. I'm trapped when I was also aching for the attention I never really got as a kid. It's pretty hard to say no to a guy who is telling me he loves me the real me and he told me he wanted to marry me, live on a lake, and have a bunch of kids. Which makes it hard to feel the right things and hard to say no.

When everything happened I thought I was happy with what he did and said. I thought that my life didn't matter anyways so Yolo. I was helping him through some crazy things like his mommy and daddy issues and his possible baby who is on the way which made me feel good about what was going on between us because we were like really close and knew each other. I thought he loved me but later on. He was just trying to use me for my body I found out. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to understand and wrap my head around. I thought maybe I loved him or was warming up to the thought that something was there even with the age difference because of the way he protected me from my thoughts and was just always there for me.

The biggest thing that has stuck with me is that he knew my family. His grandparents and mine were best friends even before he and I were born. They would go to church together, to bars, and spend weekends together going on side-by-side rides and grilling out. So he and I ruined the greatest friendship that either of our grandparents had. The hardest part about this is that my mom's side of the family knows them and they were so close. They grew up together and the boy who did this to me and our families knew this and continued because “they wouldn't care” and “they are going to be supportive.”

Before any of this happened he and I met through my aunt and uncle. He was 16 I had just turned 12. I met him over the fourth of July and it was so much fun. He was being a little bit flirty and weird for a 16-year-old boy but he had just gotten out of juvie(I didn't know this at the time.) so he could have been just having fun and taking advantage of whatever fun he got. My aunt noticed something was up the second day we met. I was sitting on my aunt's pontoon and watching fireworks on the lake. He was being touchy and flirty still and puts his hand on my thigh and the other under my shirt. I didn't mind the attention at the time but my aunt was so angry that halfway through the boat rides she told me to sit with her and my cousins in the back. I didn't understand or know that he had a history of what he has done to me.

A few years later he followed me on Instagram and we start talking because I remember him. I asked how his life has been lately and he asked for my number and I gave it to him thinking he wouldn't do anything weird because of our families. Oh, how I was wrong we started talking every day most of the day on the phone or texting no matter what we would be having a conversation. I thought he was this great guy. I told him about why my family hates my dad and I do as well he was acting like my knight and shining armor and I wanted to be protected. I didn't need protection against him.

  After the whole situation, I was so angry at my parents. Everyone in the world for not only them finding out what was going on, but I was also upset with them for how long it took them to notice. When I came home from the hospital and after a horrible three hours in the emergency room, I had to go home with my mom after trying not to come home and it was the scariest thing I've ever had to do. I thought that I was gonna get killed. My parents were so majorly upset with me. I stayed quiet the whole night they took everything from me and the police took my phone as evidence. It was so hard just to let everything go. I blamed myself for the longest time ever.

The next morning it was so hard to open up to my parents because my parents and I are not close. I told them part of what happened, I showed my mom what he had done to my body. the bruises, hickeys, and hand marks. I was so extremely scared and still angry. My mom called the hospital we go to for normal check-ups and I had to let the nurses and doctors. Complete strangers see me my raw and bare body with all of the markings. I was embarrassed and horrified.

During the whole process of just telling cops evidence and them having my phone, I had to stay home because of winter break and it was so hard coming back to school. I wasn't allowed to talk to my best friend and he was the only person who was there through the whole thing so I was extremely heartbroken. I was terrified of boys for a while and I still do get shivers and chills when they are near me or behind me. I also felt like I was in a bubble and couldn't hear things It was like I was there sitting in class but then I heard nothing and school was done so fast. everything was a blur and just so slow. when I got home all I wanted to do was cry, all I could think about is him and honestly I missed him because I thought he loved me as he said.

At the time I had little to no friends so it was extremely tough because I was alone and had no one to talk to about my feelings. Any time saw my old friends we would have small talk and then I would just spit everything out of my head to them and just cry after the conversation. Slowly people found out and looked at me differently. being looked differently hurt more than the fact I had nobody because I never know what someone will say to my face. Some people said things like his name or “redhead” if I was walking in the halls. Few made TikToks about it and made fun of me. it was so hard to go to school at one point I was telling my parents I didn't want to go to school because I was sick. I told that lie so much to the point that Child Protective Services was going to be called. They weren't but as a 13-year-old it was terrifying because what are they going to do take me away from my parents? Call the cops to come and get me and drag me out of bed? I went to school until about April-May. The school was getting tougher and tougher so I went to my grandparent's house.

When I left school because the bullying is getting so bad and my grades are going down. I  had to go and get help so my help was my grandparents/aunt's house it is my safe place but I hadn't seen my grandparents since before everything happened and I was so scared I feared they would hate me and look at me differently as well. It was the best choice for me to go up to their houses. I healed and grew and learned so much and I didn't need to worry about kids my age or older than me bullying me or judging me. I stayed there till Julyish or August. I got my phone taken away for a while which was what was expected when I do stuff like that. It was so hard I didn't get to talk to anyone except a few friends by email once and a while. I got to see and live with my cousins and it was so much fun we did so much. The thoughts were still there though when fishing or swimming in the lake. The thoughts were slowly draining when I got super close to them, They become my brothers and my aunt and uncle felt like my parents and it was the healthiest thing I have ever been given.

I have learned so much in the past two years even if it is a short time. Trusting someone and letting them take away my innocence and happiness for what felt like the longest time ever isn't worth it, especially at the age I was. I should have followed my instinct and listened to my peers. The heartbreak I had to go through wasn't worth it and the feeling as if the world has flipped upside down hurt more than anything I have ever felt before. It was a very good lesson for me to learn even with all the pain it came with.