This is a page from my journal.
Welcome to my life:

2/9/11
Today would have been 41 days clean, but I relapsed. Apparently my sponsor Jaime did too. Smokin' crack rocks and shootin' dope till' there's no tomorrow. It's 2:25 and I am waiting for Fran to bring the crack. The dope is wearing off. I can tell. Was this relapse worth it? Stop thinking, hit the pipe. Iam going to be a stripper soon. F***, my heart might explode. It's a huge possibility. I never wanted to smoke crack or shoot crack, but here I am again. I can't get the taste of crack out of my mouth. I just walked to the gas station and do you want to know what I bought? I bought pumpkin seeds for 69 cents. I am not hungry, nor do I want them. Why. What the f***.

At first, my eyes were pinned.
The bags did that.
Now they are wide, almost as if I just witnessed a murder. I have some more hidden underneath the yellow duck in the bathroom.
Maybe later.
Maybe...now.
The smell didn't dissipate, I know that. My virgin nose became accustomed to it.
The crash is unlike any other. I refuse to come down. My momentum and subconscious fade unlike any other.

Speed ball
Free for all
raise me up, slam me down
Insomniac due to crack
Its okay, its life i lack.

I just threw up a splatter of coffee all over saran's toilet and the walls. I couldn't stop it. I am now empty. Next time, i will be completely empty if I throw up my heart..

2/10/11
I just did a double shot of coke. Back to back. I am up up up. No return of Saran yet. She refuses to come home to her section 8.

2/16/11
Six days up. Non stop...literally uppers and downers and drugs i can't even mention. I want a break but not yet. I lost 8 lbs already. And I am quite sure I lost 50 CC's of my soul. I am glad they sell needles hassle free at rite aid. Can't focus on this s***. ISOLATION