My first kiss was when I was fourteen. But then again I don’t like to think of it as my first kiss because it didn’t mean anything. Every girl dreams of their first kiss (or at least I think most do) and they want it to be romantic and perfect. Or maybe that’s just me? Of course I had to receive mine in the worst way possible…playing Spin the Bottle.

A little over a year passed- I was fifteen going on sixteen and still hadn’t had any “real” experience with a guy, much to my disappointment. I wasn’t expecting anything- being only a sophomore with low self-esteem. Until he came along.

He was a senior. He came on to me. I wouldn’t even dare to start flirting with him if he didn’t initiate it. He started touching me- my waist, thighs, everywhere. He massaged my back and neck and told me I was too “tense.” The best feeling of all was when he would whisper to me in my ear and the stubble on his cheek would brush against the side of my face. A chill would always run up my spine and I felt so alive. Someone wanted me. Was I actually desirable?

He would pick me up and I would feel insecure and tell him to put me down. His response each time would be, “I would never drop you.” Then he would put me down and start touching me again and comment positively on my appearance. I would smile and attempt to flirt back, but besides that I didn’t know what else to do. I was confused. I felt young. I didn’t know what to do.

I knew he wanted me to kiss him, but I didn’t want to be the one to do it. Shouldn’t the boy kiss the girl first? There was a moment, that one Saturday, where it almost happened. He leaned into me but I didn’t lean back. I couldn’t do it. The more I stared into his eyes the more confused I got about everything. How does one continuously kiss a guy?! He was so much older than me, so much more experienced and knowledgeable. I was scared to death of his dominance over me.

After that day he decided he wanted nothing to do with me. There were no more secret meetings in the hallway or in the back of the school. He was waiting for me to kiss him and I never did. So that was it. But why? Why did he just leave?

I still think about him all the time despite over two years passing since our time together. Yes, we never kissed, but the power of a simple touch can make you remember the warmth of it for a very long time. I know I need to move on and stop playing the scenes out in my head, but the problem is… there’s no one to move on to.

I know the reason why I think about him, even though I shouldn’t. He lost interest in me too quickly and left me hanging with no explanation. I figured it out myself. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be or do what he wanted me to do. But no one ever made me feel that way. I still feel things for him because he was the first one to see me in a different way than others and actually act on it. He made me feel important and funny and beautiful. But that feeling has been long gone.


It’s okay that now he’s dating someone even younger than me. It’s okay that he left our whole “situation” unfinished. It’s okay that he didn’t kiss me. I’m ready to forget all about it.

…but not really.