Why not? Why not take the dare? One reason, because you have brains.  Looking back to first grade, I certainly did not. So, why not?

First grade was probably the best three years of my life: throwing pebbles at girls, playing soccer, and being king of the slide while watching the peasants smash their faces in trying to match my superiority. Wait, no, scratch that last one, that was second grade.

In my school career there was no steal-your-lunch-money bully, but there were other bullies. They were the kids that triple dog dared you to skate down the slide in the winter. And at the time, why was that so bad?  Because I had the mental capacity of a six year old AND they triple dog dared me so I had to do it. I almost got a concussion and cried a bunch, but first grade wasn’t over.

Underneath the bouncy car is where all the cool kids hung out, so obviously, I desperately attempted to get into their clique. A girl sitting in the pebbles asked me if I had ever eaten an ant.  Fast on my feet, I said “No,” and then picked one up and shoved it into my mouth. She giggled which made me feel superior and a little bit queasy. But I endured, like an idiot.

Trying to start small talk, I arrogantly said that my babysitter boiled some acorns I had strategically caught and then ate them. Lying of course. A friend sitting next to me told me he would eat one raw if I did. There was no triple dog dare, or even double dog, but the pressure was growing and if I were to participate in their fun, I had to follow this initiation. At this time I should have been at the swing set. On the other side of the playground.  But I wasn’t so lucky, so I set out to crack the nut. I looked at it, and it looked back at me. Oh, crap. I forgot to read the side effects of ants.

I wanted this memorable nut to be my last, so, lickety-split, I grabbed another ant which again stared at me. “God! What is happening to me? “  I stuck that ant in the acorn and downed that ant sandwich. I did not throw up after I lodged an anty-delicious-acorn in my pyloric sphincter, but for the rest of the day coughed up legs and an unfavorable Satan nut. This was my last attempt at becoming a member in the “cool club,” until...gum dealing in middle schoo