My friend calls this “the hitchhiker”

It’s where you’re out with people I barely know or simply not answering the phone because you have found absolutely anything else that holds its position above me to distract yourself 

It's those nights where we get into an argument about something you did and eventually I end up apologizing and you say “ I need to be alone”

You say its to think but when you come back there is no new found knowledge or any visible result of your vacation

I talk to the wall, I pour my guts out to it, only to find that the wall did no thinking last night but instead played Pokemon and ordered pizza at 4am while I cried myself to sleep because I fear losing it

The hitch hiker is to stand in limbo, to be still and keep the phone by so you don't miss the text that comes an hour late, but not too close because you're trying to forget you’re a girlfriend the way he forgets he's a boyfriend

I should have known from the beginning when you told me you're just not high maintenance

Which was a lie

He's only low maintenance when he sees fit 

A wall is low maintenance, a dead body is low maintenance

*NAME REDACTED*  is not low maintenance, he just pretends to be when he feels like playing dead, when he feels like being the wall. 

I find myself playing this role often

Standing in a highway with my thumb out onto the road hoping someone picks me up and cares enough to take me where I need to go

Begging to get swept by my feet and held in a warm car and told, no, SHOWN im loved

At first I didn't need to wait long, he would always come by when he saw my thumb was out, take me in and tell me everything I needed to hear

But after a while the driver became too busy, the driver knew I would be there when he circled back anyway so he wont pick me up this time, maybe later

I told myself “Maybe the driver is just tired, maybe the driver has a lot going on right now, or maybe he just didn't see me”

So I began to stand in the middle of the street flailing my arms around hoping he would see me this time because now I have nowhere to go I just missed my driver

But he would just drive around and passed me and at some point he stopped picking me up at all

I remind myself of the times when my driver would pick me up with flowers and warm arms and hold me the whole way through

But now the times when my driver does come by he doesnt open the door for me and when I ask him where he's been he becomes the wall and then I get nothing

I'm tired of playing the hitchhiker, of standing still and waiting

I am more than your passenger more than your girlfriend, I am a daughter and a friend

You will never be the driver that picked me up that first day and I need to realize that

I need to realize that putting my thumb down, walking away from the side of the road, and taking myself where I need to go, is better than begging

Letting go is better than trying to shape myself to be what's convenient for you

Talking to myself is much better than talking to the wall